Why Is It So Hard? (Forgiveness VI)

Jesus tells us to forgive, and often our first emotional response is, “Say what?” 

This is because we believe that if we forgive, we may die. Or, at least, we may lose ourselves. Beneath unforgiveness is always the belief that we will not be okay if we forgive. Forgiving can make our very survival feel at stake. Perhaps if we forgive, we will be further hurt, further taken advantage of. Or perhaps we will be putting a band-aid over a wound that needs air to heal. Perhaps we will be saying that what happened was okay and kill some part of our soul in the process. Perhaps we will simply lose touch with some precious, vital part of our being. Understanding what forgiveness is and isn’t can help us navigate the path to freedom.

Forgiveness, as the Scripture speaks of it, is NOT saying:

·      That whatever hurt us “didn’t really happen” (it’s not fantasy)

·      That what was done to us is “okay” or “wasn’t that bad” (it’s not excusing)

·      That we must be free of hurt and anger in order to forgive (it’s not a shutting down of our emotions or a waiting-until-I-feel-it-to-do-it)

·      That you have to immediately sit down and have a meal with the person who offended you (it doesn’t necessarily mean restoration of previous relationship)

What forgiveness is, simply, is saying, “I’m not going to stay in this position of trying to exact something from you. I’m not going to demand that you make things right on my own terms.” Indeed, the heart of forgiveness is, at its essence, this posture and resolve: 

·      I'm not going to keep my hands gripped to this person's throat

·      I’m not going to demand that they make it whole

·      I’m not going to hold in ongoing contempt or hatred the person who hurt me, even if it takes a while for me to get there

·      I’m going to seek wholeness somewhere else: in God

Further, forgiveness is a process. It’s often a movement and not a moment. In this process, sorrow, anger, and bitterness are replaced (though often gradually) with healing that comes from God Himself, to the point that ultimately we can feel compassion for the one who has offended us. Indeed, we can long for this place of healing—where we move in empathy rather than bitterness—without berating ourselves if it doesn’t come easily or quickly. 

Moving in compassion will not necessarily mean moving into a restored relationship. Although that’s always the hope, it’s, sadly, not always possible. It may not be wise, for example, for someone who has been physically abused to enter back into relationship with an abuser, or for a spouse whose husband or wife has repeatedly betrayed them to stay in a marriage. But it is possible to no longer live in despair and hopelessness until the person who has offended us makes things right or pays the price. In this letting go, we can leave the path of violence altogether.

For all of these readings in one place, order my book 'Learning to Live and Love Like Jesus.'